The Emboldened Preview
Chapter 1
What is worse? Having each day tear at your heart a little more, or watching the world do the same to the person who is your entire world?
This question plagues me as I endure how much my life has changed since my husband, Prince Gavril, became Prince Regent while I remained only crown princess. Everyone’s condescending remarks made me feel demoralized and stupid. It is soul crushing to endure how the court snubs me as powerless.
Far worse is watching how it rips my husband apart. The dark shadows under his eyes are worse every time I see him, even upon awakening in the morning. His shoulders dropping lower and lower as if dragged down by clawed weights hanging off of them. His magical amber eyes fade deeper into emptiness, becoming darker and darker.
My heart breaks to see him falling apart when he should be as happy as ever. Guilt riddles my heart, and yet… a dangerous kind of creature snarls in the longing to fight back deep inside that same heart.
But I had learned how wrong that desire inside me was. I was part of the problem. And I had to keep that part of me dormant.
Despite all this, I am not giving up yet. The small creature within my heart still breathes. And though I do not dare unleash it, there remains enough strength to hold my position. I am done letting people unjustly take what is mine. But doing so is growing challenging.
Though my stellar staff are fulfilling their tasks flawlessly, they cannot get the court to take me seriously. The high court has not given me the time of day in ages. My meager comfort is they will not be so disrespectful to my face. My poor staff, on the other hand, are free game. Florence, my court liaison, suggests I hold some threat over their head, but I have no threat. What could I say? I lack the power to take their jobs as they hold elected positions. I cannot make their lives harder in any way if they ignore me. Not yet. And the “not yet” is what eats away at me.
At least I am not left with nothing to do but wallow in my grief.
Lessons keep me busy, even if the way my teachers treat me makes the beast inside snarl. I know if I said something to Gavril, he could step in, yet I remain silent. Perhaps it is prideful, but I had my prince save me enough. This time, I am going to save myself.
A few days after Gavril became regent, I came into my office for an appointment that had been scheduled weeks ago to see Bella, my lady-in-waiting, and Penelope, my scheduler, giving me apologetic winces. Of course, the courtiers who were supposed to attend all canceled at the last minute. If they had more time, they would have had to reschedule upon cancellation. This way, we would have to chase them to reschedule, and they would just keep dodging it.
I long to scream, but I know better. I would love to kick something, but a princess remains composed. Shutting my eyes against the overwhelming exhaustion that clenches my heart, I remain a true princess. My heart weighs heavy with the cage of powerlessness that erodes my being. What more can I do? How do I stop this without condemnations for overstepping my bounds? I am crown princess, which should carry such authority, but pales compared to those around me, once more leaving me with nothing but a hallow role to play.
"There still is plenty to do," I tell myself as well as my staff through tight teeth. "We don’t need to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves."
"How can we do all this work on our own?" Penelope asks with a discouraged air to her voice.
I square my shoulders. I shove down my ache and pain to assure her. With a gentle smile, I say, "We’re going to do all we can without them. I need a moment for a private appointment. Meanwhile, you ladies can work on a game plan to get the charities in here to speak to me. They are at least respectful enough of the title of princess to not be as dismissive to me if we can get them in here." Or so I hope. "Don’t sound like you’re begging. Make it sound like they are missing out by not meeting with us. Alright?"
"Well, they are." Penelope huffs.
"Exactly." I smile, thankful for how these women respect me. "Now let’s get them to see that."
A little hope lights Penelope’s eyes, but Bella’s heavy frown still weighs her down. "I’m sorry, Kascia. I should be better at this."
"It’s not your fault they are a bunch of prideful airheads." I keep my tone light and proper.
It was not easy to fill the shoes of Damian Custod. I never expected her to, but perhaps she expected herself to measure up at least closer than she was. In my opinion, she is doing a splendid job, except for arguing with me about allowing Gavril to take regency and not openly expressing my thoughts on it. I did not want to cause more divisions. Even with my tight lips on the topic, people figured it out which I had wanted, but it still caused more rifts than I wished.
"Let’s just focus on reclaiming the power we still have that they think that ceremony took from us." I try to encourage them.
"Yes, Your Highness." Bella bows to me and leaves. Penelope at least moves with a little more hope in her step. Bella’s shoulders remain slumped. I frown slightly. I wish there was more I could do.
Yet, there is only one thing remaining for me. I take a deep breath, get up and leave a different way, so they would not see me. If the only way to gain respect is to fulfill the little bit of responsibility being crown princess gave me, then I am going to excel at it.
Dr. Stephen is delighted yet surprised to see me as I enter into his private office for this delicate discussion. Thankfully, he is not at all awkward or judgmental about it. He surprises me with his straightforwardness and relaxed nature about it all. It is assuring as well as empowering. With his instruction, fulfilling my ultimate duty should not take long.
With that hope lighting my heart, it is easier to tackle the uncertain roads of how to move forward with support. I had another bigger call at the moment, anyway.
The Japcharian summit is rapidly approaching. As crown princess, I am entrusted with a lot of the hostess details of this event. After working on their delegation visit before and the festival I planned, this came more naturally to me than I expected. Perhaps the fright of planning my wedding with little guidance or support had helped me grow in this power as well.
I also made plans for how the staff that remained at home would handle my duties while I am gone. There are few, but it gives the illusion we are essential. I hope it will encourage my staff. Next, I have to decide who will accompany me. With our low budget and space, I can only bring two.
Though most assumed my lady-in-waiting would come without question, I am not so sure that is the best. Bella is still struggling with all that happened. I am convinced she is still angry with Gavril for letting them do this to me. The rest of the staff are resentful to her for it. Her place as a former chosen does not help. I fear it will make it difficult for me to rely on Bella during this essential event. I needed to feel safe to say anything to my staff as I work. Right now, as much as I hate it, Bella is not that person.
My instinct is to choose Vivian and Florence. Florence, as my court liaison, would be best at advice dealing with the stubborn delegates I would deal with. Vivian… if she had felt worthy of the title and role, likely would have been my true choice as my lady-in-waiting. I did not realize it until I had Bella for a while, but looking back, she would be the best choice. I wonder why Damian did not choose her. But if Damian chose Bella instead, there was a reason.
Holding onto that faith in the attendant who had never let me down, I chose Bella and Vivian to go with me. Florence would do excellent handling the court for me meanwhile. I am sure she will amaze me with what progress she will make while I am gone.
Dinner with the royal family is as painful as ever. Gavril has dropped all pretense and exuded his annoyance with his mother for forcing us into this, while his parents act like nothing changed.
"You’re ready for the Japcharian summit." The king beams at Gavril and me as Gavril pushes in my chair. His eyes shine with pride in us.
I put on a smile. "You prepared us well." Perhaps that would help get the point across that I do not blame him for this mess. It is the queen’s fault, and I doubt anyone else’s.
"Travel by sea is safer," the queen frets, her foot tapping out her intense anxiety under the table. None of us can see it, but I can hear the miniscule sound that is so familiar to me after years of dance. Of course, her stressed mind is thinking only of safety. "And Sir Ian will be with you. Not to mention your Custod guards. You all will be just fine." She puts on a comforting smile.
"We’ll be fine, mother." Gavril forces a weak smile for her. "You have nothing to worry about."
"Of course not, I’ll be here." Her little fake laugh hurts my heart. The poor woman is petrified for her only surviving child.
Gavril, on the other hand, grows stonier at that. He shoves food into his mouth to avoid having to reply.
King Aster attempts to gloss it over. I wonder if this is the same dynamic their family had before I became princess.
"You still have tomorrow to prepare final arrangements," the king reminds us, working to break up the tension. “Your staff will prepare your bags." He smiles at me. "The royal navy will have the ship ready with the tide. And you will have time to prepare the location for our guests’ arrival. You have it all in hand." The king reaches over and squeezes my hand. "And with how you brokered peace before, I am certain all will turn out for the best once it’s all over."
I do not share his confidence. With how King Di, the king of Japcharia, had treated me in the few exchanges I had with him, I do not think he sees me as an ally, unlike his daughter, Princess Tsikyria.
"We really are blessed to have you aiding us." Queen Dalilly smiles at me with teary pride.
If she felt so sure I was a blessing, she should have trusted me to help Gavril enough to give us both power.
"I know it’s a harsh transition, going from nobility to royalty." The queen manages a tiny chuckle. "It wasn’t easy for your father either." She grins at King Aster.
I blink. Did she just speak to me as if I was her daughter?
I know I should be flattered, but instead, anger and resentment fill me. Was she trying to protect us both from the dangers of power instead of trusting us?
King Aster laughs. "It’s still a marvel we’ve come this far." He takes Queen Dalilly’s hand. "It was a rocky road to get there, and took us forever, but I think we got there. It was easier after we got married."
"We had so little time with my parents to learn." Queen Dalilly sighs regretfully.
I open my mouth to stop whatever is about to happen. The anger that pulses off Gavril at her comment is hard to miss.
"They are smarter than we were." Aster waves off Dalilly’s worry. "I’m not worried. He found his true princess, and a sexy one at that." The king winks at me playfully.
"Aster Potentate!" The queen hits his arm.
"We’re alone." The king holds up his hands in innocent defense. "I can tease my daughter-in-law when we’re alone."
The king’s attempt may have worked to distract his wife, but it did not work on Gavril. I tense, expecting him to hit something. Thankfully, he does not. He pushes himself to his feet. "I have something to attend to." He speaks so fast it is hard to hear what he says.
His mother frowns as he turns on his heel. I get up, muttering a similar excuse, and follow him.
When I reach him up the main steps, I place a gentle hand on his arm. I almost did not catch him.
"Are you alright?" I ask, running a hand down his arm.
"Fine." He clips back at me.
"Gavril…"
The glare he gives me does not bother me. It is a clear "not here".
I wrap my arm into his to return to our chambers for the night.
Once in our room, the staff dance around him the whole night, sensing his tension, and cautious not to receive his wrath by mistake. Only after we dismiss the staff for the evening, do I feel safe to ask.
"Gavril, what’s wrong?" I approach him, running my hands down his arm as if to smooth down the riled-up fur of a beast.
"I just…" His jaw clenches. "It was bad enough they did it to me. Now they do it to you, and she has the gall to complain about so little time to learn from her parents. They didn’t bar her from meetings. She was pulled into them, even though she was terrified. And she…" Gavril stops, his jaw clenching once more as his anger filled eyes look away. All familiar signs he is fighting to control his rage.
I drop my gaze as I debate what to say. I look up as I sense his gaze on me. His eyes have melted into pain-filled pools of amber as he gazes at me. "I hate she does it to you too." He tenderly cups my cheek with his free hand.
"I think they’re cute." Which is true. The way Aster teases his wife is adorable. In another world, perhaps his playfulness once soothed her fears. I can picture her laughing at his silliness when they are alone instead of tensing. I ignore that is not what Gavril was referring to. "And yes, your father has a naughty mouth sometimes, but I like how it contrasts with your mother. I wish his tricks worked."
"I’m told they once did. Then, after so many miscarriages and the rebels increasing their attacks, she no longer allowed it." Gavril half shrugs.
My lips drop into a frown. I am certain he does not believe the stories. I do. Hopefully, one day, his tricks will work again.
"They balance each other out. Like we do." I attempt to cheer him up.
My attempt fails. My frown deepens. "It’s not your fault." I rub his arm more as I lure him into sitting beside me on the bed.
He follows me without paying much attention, his eyes as downcast as his frown. "Perhaps not, but I still hate what they do to you." Gavril turns his discouraged, exhausted eyes to meet mine. "You deserve better. They should treat you better than she treats me at least."
"It’s a compliment that she thinks of me as a daughter." Even if it stings the same way that her treatment of Gavril stings him. I put one arm around Gavril’s shoulders, resting the other on the nearer shoulder. "She means well."
"She always does." Gavril almost growls. "Yet it still screws us over again and again."
My shoulders drop. I cannot deny that. A tender smile lifts the corners of my mouth. "I still got what I asked for." I squeeze his shoulders. "It’s much easier to deal with it when I have you." I kiss his cheek.
My heart subtly lifts as Gavril looks at me with a soft smile. "Really? You’re not just saying that, hoping it helps me lighten up?"
"No. I mean it." I assure him with a quick kiss on his nose.
The way Gavril’s face contorts in what I think is confusion draws laughter out of me. "That’s not normally when you do that."
My giggles increase. "Oh? When do I do that?" I give him a hint of a flirtatious smile.
The mischievous smile that blossoms across Gavril’s face spells trouble and a late night for us, but I would not have it any other way. I believe he needs it, and it furthers my goals.
I burst into a fresh wave of belly giggles as he playfully shoves me onto my back and kisses me, arms supporting his weight to not squash me.
"When do you think?" His low teasing is so close to that low growl I adore it sets my heart racing in glorious anticipation.
"Whenever I want.” I taunt back in my own low voice, wrapping his neck in my arms. I kiss him deep and tender. "I know it’s hard, Gavril. Trust me. I’m fighting the frustration every day." I sigh in irritation. "It’s hardly been a few days. But… I have you." I smirk at him. "We’re in this together, right?"
He kisses me in a way that sets my heart to the skies. "Of course, my Asteria." He uses that deep voice that sends a tingle through my every cell. Gavril’s loving eyes meet mine. "You’re my whole heart and soul." One of his arms enwraps my waist as his other hand caresses my cheek. "Don’t let them take that away from us. I need you more than breath. I lose you, just take my heart to bury with you because only with you will it ever function."
His words sweep my heart away, leaving stars in my eyes at the tender love yet deep heartache in those words. It takes a moment for me to figure out what to say to that.
"Why do you have to say such sweet yet heartbreaking things?" I half complain while the shimmer of joy his romantic declaration brought dances in my heart. "How can I ever keep up?"
"Who said you have to keep up?" Gavril whispers as he resumes his pattern of soft, almost worshipful, kisses to my lips, cheeks, jaw, neck, and shoulders: wherever felt right in the moment.
"Would you stop it?" I giggle at the thrill each kiss sends through my body. "You go from discussions about political strife to loving me far too easily."
"I’m your husband. That’s my job," Gavril says straightforwardly, pausing to look at me as if it is all business, before grinning and returning to his pattern more slowly, a soft passion in each kiss.
I release a soft sigh of pleasure and happiness at how he adores me. "Not fair. I want to give the same to you."
"Letting me is all I ask." His adoring lips find mine, sweeping me away as my fingers get lost in his hair.
"What if I actually need to get work done?" I tease. "But every time we start to discuss it, it ends like this?" One of my hands frees itself from his hair to run down his neck, shoulder, then chest.
"I’m starting to care less and less about all that work." He kisses me with deep intent.
My lips drop into a frown though, eyes softly resting on my hand that is still hovering over his heart. "You should. It’s not all about me. We still have to redeem our people, remember? It was the reason for the whole game."
"I know. I know. A contest to find my true princess, so I could marry her and stop the war. I know," Gavril says in a trite voice. "But if all they do in return is break my Asteria’s heart, perhaps they deserve to be left where they are." Gavril curls into me, kissing the crook of my neck.
Though a pleasurable moan rises from my throat, my heart drops.
"You don’t mean that." At least I pray he does not. Gavril was first to me, but I also had fought and sold all I had to save my people since the day I was born. It was what brought him and me together.
"No. Not entirely I don’t." An exhausted sigh drops from the depths of Gavril’s chest. "It’s just… since Father told me his plan… I’ve resented it and all of them for this agony we suffer."
All I resent is his mother, but I refuse to say that and give Gavril more ammunition to hate his mother with. "I’m sick of it all too." All too true. "We can’t let it beat us or separate us."
"No matter how you tell me it’s not my fault… I can’t help but question if it is true every time they ask me that. Even if they ask only in how they glare at me." Gavril’s enchanting amber eyes meet mine. "How could I do this to you?" He repeats their question, but the beg in asking me that question is all his own. He dredges up the words from the depths of his aching soul.
My heart agonizes with his. "You didn’t do this to me," I insist, taking his face in my hands to keep his eyes locked on mine as firmly as I can. "You had to take it. I begged you to take it. We both loathe it, but… it still is the only way."
"When will the ‘only way’ no longer hurt you?" Gavril demands with a furious snarl in his voice. I tense at how one of his hands grips the blanket under me to release the ripple of anger that struck his body.
"Maybe when you stop being doom and gloom about it and enjoy our evening," I say with a seductive smile, wrapping my arms around his neck again. I am tired of trying to discuss it and just going in circles. If I cannot comfort him by seeing it differently, I could gladly distract him in other ways.
A deep chuckle rumbles in Gavril’s chest as he lowers himself to me to kiss me more tenderly, raising me to settle me against the pillows. "As you command, my Esther."